Turn on the nightlight for me

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 06:26:03 GMT

I have a friend here who is also from Long Island and is named Jessica Mary and speaks Italian. Weirdest thing ever? Maybe. Anyway, she's a fiction writer here like me, but she's also an amazing poet and doesn't actually believe me when I tell her that her poems are fucking amazing. Anyway, she showed me one of her end of the semester portfolio poems, called culture clash , and it blew me away entirely, so I'm going to post it, so that when she's famous I can be like 'look, I knew her way back when.'

Some background that might make it more relevant: (though I doubt it's necessary to enjoy the poem), she grew up on the Lower East Side of Manhattan in the area known as Alphabet City. Her mother was an activist who tried to get homeless kids enrolled in school. Anyway, here goes:

A boy from the Midwest
and his girl from the Lower East Side;
smoking joints from her cokehead friend
drinking bottles of beer as foreplay.

The grass is stronger than he is used
to but it doesn’t seem to be overwhelming
her. Then again, this is his girl: who took
PCP for her first period, and he breathes

in the smell of her, deeply, her apple blossom
body lotion mingling with cigarette smoke
and the weed that makes her want him so badly--
after he comes he kisses her with his alcoholic

breath, and she looks at him, smiling. His
kisses leave bruises on her cheekbones, she takes
her hair down so no one can see them, it will be
their secret. Later, in a coffeeshop, he will brush

her hair aside to look at them, run his fingers over
what he has done to her. When life
is too much, when the world is spinning
and it is all she can do to keep herself tethered,

she presses her hands to them, like a combination
to restart a computer. They come away streaked
with the makeup she wears to try to hide it mixed
with tears. The next day she wears no makeup.

She pulls her hair back. She smokes in the cold,
alone, sending him text messages on her phone,
because he likes it when she talks. He likes the stories
she tells; her breath in his ear is as much a part

of the narrative as her syntax. She knows that in his bed,
his leg pressing against hers, his arm draped
around the curve of her back, his eyes closed,
hers open, stroking his face, there is no such thing

as truth or lies. They both could be called liars
but she marvels at how simple that would be—
every four year old knows that liars should be dealt
with appropriately—light their pants on fire;

but where she is from liars get AIDS and wear beepers
to tell them when to take their AZT. She can’t figure
out where he picked up ‘lying’. It’s not an art in cornfields
like it is walking through tent cities on the way home

in a Catholic school uniform. When she goes back
to Avenue C for Thanksgiving he imagines her
in dark alleys in a short tartan skirt, the pink
of her lips drawing in smoke from her cigarette.

But her new next-door neighbor is an investment
banker and she presses her cheekbones, wishing
she could still feel his mouth there. The world
is getting out of control. She calls him to tell

him she misses his hands on her wrists. The words
have honesty in them—they are difficult
for her to pronounce. Her tongue stumbles
over them, like this is her first

time speaking in a foreign language
and she needs to practice. He has to piece their meaning
together. When they see each other
again, outside, in the cold, communication

is harder. They have gotten better
at this new lexicon, but they aren’t fluent,
and now when he kisses her it feels
real and dark, so far from his newscaster-standard

Ohio English. Now, when his body
is pressed against her back, his teeth
resting on her earlobe, he has to relearn
his conception of her. He knows now

that he can’t push her past her limit;
she has none. The stories are true
and his lies seem enormous and somewhat
insignificant against her revelation.

A girl from the Lower East Side
and her boy from the Midwest;
smoking joints from her cokehead friend
drinking bottles of beer as foreplay.

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 03:27:14 GMT

I always open this webpage and mean to write an entry but I never quite get it done. So this time I'm just going to not care if what I have to say sounds good or means anything or is interesting but just write it.

I am so busy it's insane, but I've kept my intoxications low, just an unhealthy amount of cigarettes that will stop as soon as I lose tolerance for the cold and the occasional belligerently drunk night (haha) and a certain boy who brings me back to his room and tells me stories about former communist countries and is probably one of the only people who can keep up with me in this world and then kisses me so hard that I can still feel him on my lips hours later, alone in my room. And it's okay, because I'm almost twenty years old, which is the perfect age for being completely irresponsible.

I ran into an old boy a few days ago while walking back home, he had his new girlfriend with him and I was pleased to say that I was genuinely glad to see him and genuinely glad that they found each other.

And I think I'm having heartburn for the first time in my life and oh god it hurts.

I am having a strong compulsion not to post this, but I am trying the wristband trick, so if you're reading this (and care) it obviously worked.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 19:21:52 GMT

I'm back.

I know I didn't really update this before I left (or, you know...MONTHS before) but that is because I'm just a bad person.

But I'm back. Well, I've been back all of July, but I was sick (of course) so what are you going to do? I was lucky though because I got sick because I was careless but it was delayed effect nastiness.

Y'ALL. WHAT IS UP.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 04:54:46 GMT

I'm having fever dreams of his hair brushing my shoulders. Ben always had relatively short hair, and I never really understood why girls always liked guys with hair hanging in their faces...but I sure do understand it now. Anyway, I've been in my room all day working and being feverish and I want him to come over and kiss my neck and let his hair brush against my shoulder but I'm sick and I don't want to get him sick.

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 17:45:22 GMT

I get very easily lost in the shuffle. People find it easy to overlook me and not hear what I say and they don't even mean to do it and they don't even know why.

By the way, I'm starving but it's raining out. So no food for me, at least not for a good long while.

i am unable to resist livejournal quizzes

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 22:04:47 GMT

Answer the Qs and add one of your own.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Wow, my hair is a mess.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
10 bucks. I rule.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"?
Four.

4. Favorite planet?
I guess I'll have to go with Earth.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Jespah.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
A clip from the song 'La Tortura' by Shakira.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
My OLE (Latin Students Association) t-shirt.

8. Do you label yourself?
Overly adventurous.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing:
None, but the ones I've been wearing lately have been Steve Madden.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
I rarely turn the lights on, so dark.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Good stuff. :)

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Lying on the floor waiting for the room to stop spinning. :/

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"My frog brings all the girlies to the yard without the obscenities--whats up with you?"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Tucked in a corner of Roslyn

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
word

17.Who told you they loved you last?
My mommy.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My puppy.

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
Um. Who knows?

20. How many roles of film do you need to get developed?
None.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Haha, I don't know.

22. Your worst enemy?
Self-destruction.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
A picture of me and Jespah and Ammie being all attitude-y and posing with cigarettes and red lipstick that Callie took for a photo portfolio.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
come va, pupalini? (What's up, little puppy. And yes, I said it to my dog. I'm home alone.)

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
This is hard. Because if I had a million bucks I could travel a lot but if I could fly it would be cheaper to travel so I dont know.

26.Do you like someone?
Teehee. Yes.

27. The last song you listened to?
"How Soon Is Now?" by the Smiths.

28. What does your bag look like?
Its big and a blue-gray and nice.

29. Did you notice number twelve?
Unfortunately, no. :(

And the question I added:
30. Did you do this whole survey because you wanted to answer one particular question? Which one?
I did this survey because I have an unhealthy compulsion towards surveys.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 20:30:12 GMT

the saga of south american sephardic jews.

I dare you to say that ten times fast. You can't. Or at least, I can't.

Anyway, I never knew this, but my father can speak, in addition to English, Spanish, and Italian, Ladino. His family speaks Ladino! I did not know that. Now I want to learn it.

Anyway. Happy New Years. Apparently it snowed and iced in New York and I am going home on Tuesday and am being quite grumbly about leaving the warm Argentina sun for winter. I am also dreading the plane ride and decided that we need high speed bullet trains.

good air, bitches

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 18:24:18 GMT

Happy Chanukah, everyone!

I'm in Argentina with my grandparents for the holiday. The flight sucked. I have my laptop and my grandparents have wireless internet. I am communicating all right with my half-fluent Spanish. I'll be back in the States once Chanukah is done but I'm going to be online constantly anyway, so whatever.
I saw my sisters for Christmas, it was nice.

It's also HOT here. I'm loving it.

semicharmed life

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 09:26:43 GMT

Yes, I can't sleep. One of those nights, I guess. I feel slanted, like half of me is elevated higher than the other, but I'm sitting straight. Kind of weird. Lots of pressures in my head.

Writer's block. Someone give me a prompt.

trying to bore myself to sleep. please ignore.

3 Names you go by:
Jae
Jessy
Juicika

3 screen names you have
darklingbird
catch
myaimone

3 things you like about yourself
I'm interesting
I make friends easily
I'm independent

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself
I have OCD
I have no self-control
I am short

3 parts of your heritage
Italian
Argentinean
Jewish

3 things that scare you
Growing up
The stuff that comes with growing up
etc.

3 of your everyday essentials
my meds
a random phone call
time alone

3 things you are wearing right now
jammie bottoms
an oversized long-sleeve t-shirt
earrings

3 of your favorite songs at present
"Tesko Suicide" - Sneaker Pimps
“Endless Skies” - VNV Nation
“What If No One's Watching” - Ani DiFranco

3 things you want to try in the next 12 months
Quit smoking
Clean
Stabilize my sleep habits.

3 things you want in a relationship
Adventure
Honesty
Acceptance

2 truths and a lie
There is another girl out there with almost the same name and life as me.
I just had meningitis
I am sick right now.

3 physical things about the opposite or same sex that appeals to you
Fingers
The way they look when they think no one is watching
That certain look.

3 things you just can’t do
Sing well
Eat a banana
Be an English major.

3 of your favorite hobbies
Writing
Writing
Meaningful conversations

3 things you want to do really badly right now
Sleep?
Turn the heat on
Exercise

3 careers you’re considering
bum
artsy bum
astronaut

3 places you want to go on vacation
Japan
Thailand
Indonesia

3 kids names
...just the names of three kids? because I don't want kids.

3 things you want to do before you die
Visit the Heartland of America
Remember what I dream about
Publish something I write? I don't know.

Okay, I couldn't resist this challenge: LONGEST SURVEY EVER

Basic Info
Full name? Jessica Maria
Nicknames? Jaejae, Jae, Jessy
How old are you?: 18
Where do you live?: New Yorky
Your Family: Is spread over the world
Are your parents divorced?: Yes
# of sisters?: 2
# of brothers?: 1
Do you like your parents?: Yes.
How about your siblings?: I adore them.
Do you get along better with mom or dad?: I see my Dad three times a year.
What's the most annoying thing your parent/s do?: Be detached.
How about your siblings?: My brother is autistic, so I can't be a good person and say he's annoying. My sisters are really young and live in South America, so they don't ever annoy me.
What\'s Your Favorite...
Food: Pasta.
Candy: I don't like candy. I'm not a sweets person.
Beverage: Water?
School Subject: They've all been my favorite at one point.
Color: ALL OF THEM!
Accessory: Scarves
Clothing Item: See above
Actor: C.
Actress: J.
Shoes: My clunky ones that make me tall.
Board Game: I hate board games.
Video Game: Um, well, right now I'm playing Ninja Gaiden Black. I don't really have favorites.
Computer Game: My computer is too crappy to handle games.
Make-up Item: Eyeliner
TV Show: Grey's Anatomy. :( I'm so addicted. It's so pathetic.
Movie: Can't answer this.
Song: Same, I guess.
Car: Mine!
Season: Spring.
Sport: Kickboxing...I don't know.
This Or That
Pen or Pencil: Pen for writing, pencil for drawing
CD or Radio: CD
Couch or Chair: Big comfy armchairs
Tv or Computer: Computer
Laptop or Desktop: laptop
Reading or Writing: Both
Rock or Rap: Rock
Black or White: Black...white stains too easily
Old or New: Both have their place
Wild or Sophisticated: see above
Funny or Serious: see 2 above
Dog or Cat: dogs. most definitely dogs. though kittens are okay.
Hockey or Figure Skating: hockey.
Lip Gloss or Lipstick: lip gloss, because when you wear dramatic eye makeup you can't go too heavy on your lips.
Computer or Video Game: video game
Too Tan or Too Pale: too pale. too tan looks cancerous
Sneakers or Flip-Flops: who cares
Night or Day: I stay up all night and sleep all day
Inside or Outside: I'd like to say inside, but...
Sun or Stars: sun. keep me warm
Lightening or Rain: rain.
Land or Water: land?
Earrings or Ring: I guess earrings
Coke or Pepsi: Coka kola
Listen or Talk: both
Your Love Life...Or Lack Of One
Are you straight?: yes, despite Ammie's efforts to the contrary
Ever had a boy/girlfriend?: no. (just kidding.)
Have one now?: sort of?
How many people have you dated?: what do you mean by "dated"...?
Have you been dumped?: usually i lose interest first
Have you dumped someone?: yes
How many people have you kissed?: i have no idea.
Do you have a crush right now?: sure
Are you ever going to tell that person?: he's well aware ;)
Have You Ever...
Drank? water? yes. I get it though, and yes.
Smoked? yes
Kissed The Same Sex? This was one of Ammie's efforts
Kissed Someone You Just Met? A very casual peck as a joke.
Swore At A Teacher? Yes :(
Swon At Your Parents? My mother and I are vulgar people
Gotten In A Fight At School? Like a physical fight? No.
Skipped A Class? For the first time when I wasn't sick at college
Been Suspended? No
Stolen Something? Yeah, nothing big
Done Drugs? Skipping this question
Gotten a 4.0? DAMN STRAIGHT
More than once? yes
Failed a class? NEVER
Repeated a grade? no
Been In Love? i don't know
Had A Job? yes.
Been Fired? yes.
Pulled A Prank? yes.
Dyed your hair? for the past six years now.
Dyed it a "weird" hair color? yes.
Gotten a tattoo? no
Moved? yes
Wrote a story? ...yes
Wrote a song? I wrote a bassline for some songs.
Seriously Injured Someone? I don't think so...if I did it was definitely not on purpose
Been Seriously Injured By Someone? Yes
Had surgery? Yes
Stayed In The Hospital? Yes
Gotten Stitches? Yes!
Taken A Survey This Long? I'm trying to bore myself to sleep

I'll Name A Band, You Name A Song
Good Charlotte: I can't
Sugarcult: I can't
The Killers: The "she's calling a cab" one
Papa Roach: I can't
Jimmy Eat World: Bleed American
Linkin Park: In the End
New Found Glory: um...something about snow?
My Chemical Romance: can't.
The Used: can't.
Blink 182: Going Away to College
Sum 41: Fat Lip
In The Last 24, Have You...
Cried?: no!
Laughed?: yes
Yelled?: possibly.
Kissed Someone?: nope
Showered?: yes, like 5 times
Listened To Music?: of course
IMed Someone?: of course
Called Someone? : yes
Hugged Someone?: yes
Been Hugged?: can you hug without being hugged in return?
Played An Instrument?: nope
Read A Book?: yes
Updated Your LiveJournal? quite obviously
Sent A E-mail?: nope. people should correspond by email with me more
Or Just Forwarded One?: no
Taken Medicine?: of course
Gone To School?: no!
Gone To Work?: haha I don't...WORK
Seen your Crush?: no :(
Sang?: yes
Which Of Your Friends is The Most... (Home friends have full names. School friends have initials)
Funny? Ammie
Athletic? Oh...um...none of us
Book Smart? All of them
Common Sense Smart? Jespah
Nicest? Callie
Best Listener? Joey
Talkative? None above the others.
Troubled? Jespah
Oldest? J.
Youngest? Eric
Lazy? M
Like You? No one is like me.
Do You Want To Hang Out With More? Davy
Have You Been To...
Disney World? Yes
Niagra Falls? Yes
A Casino? yes
A Bar? yes
A Rated R Movie? yes
Outside of Your State? yes
A Different Country? yes
Washington DC? yes
Florida? yes
California? no (whoa, first one!)
A Friend Of The Opposite Sexes House? yes
A Concert? yes
How Many Times Have You...
Gotten Drunk? More than I care to remember
Smoked? likewise
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend? it's not really an event you can count
Kissed someone? dum de dum
Been To A Concert? a bunch of times, don't feel like counting
Had A Job? Uh...Starbucks. Worked at that spa. Twice?
Sent someone A Valentine? Not since I was in elementary school and you would give everyone one.
Recieved A Valentine? Likewise
Dyed Your Hair? For the past six years
Gotten something pierced/tattooed? 15 that stayed...a bunch that didn't
Skipped A Class? Only once when I wasn't sick
Had A Crush? all the time
Do You Believe In...
God? yes
Love At First Sight? no way
Pre-Marital Sex? yes
Abortion? yes
Gone On Vacation? yes?
Gone Out Of The Country? yes (are we in a new section now?)
Hate Or Love? Love
Rock ... around the clock?
Rap...p
Mosh Pits: are kind of dangerous, but if thats your thing
Britney Spears?: Do I think she's REAL?
MTV? I watched this show today about super sweet sixteens. What the hell is going on with MTV?
Vegetarianism? I think I would have to, being one
Good Charlotte? ?
Driving? I drive, yes
Being Away From Home? I am often away from home
Would Ever....
Bungee Jump? Maybe
Go Rock Climbing? I do go rock climbing
Run A Marathon? No. I am not healthy enough for that
Get A Tattoo? Yes
Get A Piercing Besides Your Ears? *sticks out tongue*.
Move Out Of The Country You Live In? Possibly.
Ask Your Crush Out? :*
Kill Someone? I couldn't. Ever.
Tell A Secret You Promised To Keep? Only when I really had to.
Cheat On Someone?
Go On A Show Like Fear Factor? Haha. No.
Your Plans For The Future: FALL ASLEEP. DAMN.
Have Kids? I don't think it'd be a good idea.
How Many?
Get Married? I doubt it would be a good idea.
What Will Your Job Be? Oh, for Christ's sake
Will You Go To College? Yes
Move Away? Yes
Stay In The Same Area You Grew Up In? No
Where Will You Go To College? Baltimore
Will You Be Rich? Most likely not
Hair style at the moment? Doubled over ponytail.
* Favorites *
Drink?: water.
Alcoholic Drink?: tequila.
Time of day?: nighttime
Day of the week?: depends on my weekly schedule
Book?: can't answer this.
Subject in school?: depends on the teacher
Place in the USA?: Fire Island?
Place outside the USA?: Lots
Style of clothes?: mine.
Store?: no preference, really.
Mall?: Roosevelt Field, 'cause I know it.
City?: Lots.
Website?: www.overheardinnewyork.com
Magazine?: New York Magazine...for whatever reason.
Kind of pet?: doggy.
* Worst *
Place to be?: A Colombian death camp.
Class in school?: None right now.
Time of day?: None
Season?: late winter
Kind of pet?: old cats
Drink? gin.
Food? fish
Mall? ghetto mall
Store? don't really know which is the WORST...
Style of clothes? preppy.
Celebrity?: don't care
Color?: I love them all
Book?: The Grapes of Wrath
Type of music?: Christmas music

* Daily Life *
When do you get up? Any time from 9 to 1
What is your first thought?: How can I effectively plan my...I have OCD
What do you do first?: Go to the bathroom
What's your usual outfit?: I don't *have* a usual outfit
What's the first class of the day?: Used to be Spanish
When does school end?: Yesterday
Do you see your friends?: Right now? No.
What do you do when you get home? Throw my keys somewhere
What time do you go to bed?: Never
* Do you...*
Brush your teeth daily? of course
Brush your hair daily? most of the time.
Shower daily? yes
Sing? yes. when no one can hear me, or when i'm drunk
Dance? yes
Party? sure
Get drunk? see *sing*
Read books? yes
Listening to music a lot? yes
Read magazines? not really
Go online a lot? sometimes i'm an addict, sometimes i go months without it
Stay on AIM all day even with an away message? no
Have a religion? yes
Have an IPod? yes
Want an IPod?
Get sick a lot? yes
Watch TV? sure
Like MTV? no
Like VH1? no
Like the History Channel? not really
Have Digital Cable? here i do
Have more than 500 channels on your TV? here i think.
Listen to the radio? only in my car
Still use your CD player? only in my car
Stalk people? no.
Have more than 200 buddies on your Buddy List? I don't think so
Have dial-up internet? nope
Have AOL? Nope
Know HTML? A little bit
Have a GPA higher than 3.9? in High school I did, I don't have a GPA at college till next semester
Get H's in honors classes? What?
* Music *
Do you listen to Rap? Very infrequently
R & B? No.
Blues and/or Jazz? No.
Classical? Sometimes.
Pop? Sometimes.
Country? No.
Emo/Scremo? As a joke.
Heavy Metal? No
Christian? No
Techno? Yes.
Reggae? No
Broadway Musical songs? yes.
Oldies? some
* Right Now *
Do you think you look good right now? Hell no.
Are you eating something? Nope
Are you drinking something? Water
Are you IMing anyone? No one is online now!
Are you talking on the phone with someone? No one is awake now!
Are you talking face to face with someone? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Is anyone at your house who doesn't live there? Me, kind of.
What song are you listening to?: La Tortura by Shakira
What are you watching on TV?: Nothing
What other websites do you have open?: Randoms
Why are you taking this survey?: To lull myself to sleep
Where are you going to post it?: Livejournal, the repository for my trials to lull myself to sleep
What are you going to do after this?: nothing.
* What do you Believe? *
Do you believe in ghosts?: maybe.
The afterlife?: Maybe.
Aliens?: sure
God?: yes.
The devil?: no.
Heaven?: maybe
Hell?: maybe
Scientology?: no
Hinduism?: maybe
Buddhism?: maybe
Christianity?: maybe
Taoism?: maybe
Judiasm?: I'm Jewish
Jesus?: he sure existed
Nothing?: I believe in something. not sure what, obviously
Reincarnation?: maybe
Yourself?: would you believe in me?
* Randoms *
Have you been on an airplane before?: ...yes
Where were you going?: everywhere
Have you ever went to another country with your friends?: yes
Have you ever partied in another country?: of course
Have you ever went on a roadtrip with your friends?: yes!
Ever stayed online more than 10 hours straight?: I think so
Pretended to like someone just to get popular?: no. everyone just adores me
Talked about someone behind their back?: everyone has
Had someone talk about you behind your back?: everyone has
Been in a fight online?: argued online
Been in a fight face to face?: argued
Gotten yourself involved in a fight that wasn't about you?: try not to
Been called a bitch?: yes
Been called a slut/whore?: yes
Been to Australia?: yes
Do you like snakes?: I have no real preference
Ever cried to get your own way?: to get out of trouble
Ever broken a bone?: yes
Ever had to stay in the hospital for more than a week?: yes
Ever had serious surgery?: yes
Ever looked a porn online?: watching porn with your friends drunk = priceless
Ever went to one of those "adult" stores?: they are amazingly funny
Ever bought clothes at Walmart?: NO
Ever gotten clothes from the Salvation Army?: furniture
Ever paid more than 100 dollars for a pair of jeans?: hell no.
Ever been on stage for any reason?: as a stagehand. i danced when I was little
Ever been in a play?: only as tech
Ever been in a choir?: no
Ever been in a band?: yes
Gotten a Brazilian Bikini Wax?: yes
Waxed your eyebrows?: no
Waxed your legs?: yes
Cut yourself shaving?: of course
Have you ever died?: yes.
Do you like celery?: sure.
Have you seen the movie I Heart Huckabees?: yes
What color is your bedroom ceiling?: white.
By what age could you swallow pills?: four or five?
Do you like to dance?: yes
Name someone you love: everyone!
Do you like to drink alot of water?: yes!
Do you enjoy Halloween time?: I love to dress up
Which is better-Bermuda or Brazil: Brazil
Would you ever consider dating someone 10 years your senior?: When I was younger I would have, now probably not. Maybe when I'm older.
What about 10 years younger?: That would be seriously illegal.
How many times have you gone fishing?: Never
This or That
Bath or Shower: Shower
Lemon or Orange: Orange
Monopoly or Candyland: Candyland
TV or Movies: Movies
Oatmeal or Raisins: Oatmeal
Digital or Disposable: Digital
Permanent or Temporary: there is beauty in transience
Dalmatian or German Shepheard: I like smallerish dogs.
Ursela or Jafar: Who? What?
Ben Stiller or Will Ferrel: I can't make an informed decision
Tina Fey or Molly Shannon: Tina Fey
Mint Chocolate Chip or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Donuts or Kolaches: What's a kolache?
Traveling: I love it
Have you ever been to Rome?: Hell yes
What about China?: No
Would you like to see the Great Rift Valley in Africa?: Yeah
How about Niagra Falls?: Seen it
Would you go ice fishing for 2 months in Antartica?: I'm not a fan of fishing
...Knowing that you would get a free trip to the Bahamas afterwards?: Bahamas suck
This or That
Bagladesh or Amsterdam: Hmmm, hard choice
Berne, Switzerland or Argentina: Argentina. My sisters live there. But my aunt lives in Switzerland. Hard choice again!
Egypt or Kazakstan: both
Alaska or Australia: Alaska
Kenya or Iran: If I don't say Iran Davy will murder me
Japan or Sweden: argh
Turkey or Germany: Argh
Other Things...
Ever been to a roller-skating rink?: yes
Do you like to ice skate?: yes
Have you ever watched your school's marching band preform?: yes
Do you enjoy decorating for Christmas?: no
Ever seen snow?: outside my window?
What about a shooting star?: yes!
What do you refer to your mother as?: Mama
Have you ever bought something off of Ebay?: yes
Do you have more than 2 online journals?: nope. just this one
Do you have more than 3 siblings? Just the 3
Would you rather watch a baseball or hockey game?: hockey
What is better: Walgreens or CVS: ?
Are Wal-Mart's prices really that low?: walmart is evil
If you were a crayon what color would you be? indigo
Have you ever almost died?: yes
Do you like the person you got this survey from?: I guess so
What makes you happy?: people.
What's the best advice ever given to you?: the most important thing is to be happy.
Ever done drugs?: yes.
What sport do you hate the most?: tennis
What sport do you love the most?: i don't
How many TVs do you have in your house?: two
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: no
Who do you tell your dreams to?: I don't remember my dreams.
You and Love: have an adversarial relationshi
Lights on or off: off
Which finger is your favorite?: index
Do you like your handwriting?: yes. its neat and small.
What's your favorite lunch meat?: I don't eat meat
Any bad habits?: a million
Do you have any embarrasing CDs on your shelf?: sure
If you were another person would you be friends with yourself?: maybe.
Are you a daredevil?: quite
What do you miss the most right now?: stabilized neurochemistry
What are you thinking of right now?: how this has become a compulsion
Do you think there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: nope.
Do fish have feelings?: sure.
How do you release anger?: self-destruction
Where is your second home?: everywhere
Do you trust others easily?: why not?
What was your favorite toy as a child?: my doll.
What class in school do you use as "nap time"?: I don't.
Ever been on TV or in the newspaper?: newspaper.
What do you do when you're sad or depressed?: live my life.
Do you use sarcasm a lot?: yes
Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: nope. don't tie them either
What are you worried about right now?: That I can't stop this
Anything else you want to add?: I hate OCD
How many langauges do you speak?: 2 fluently. 2 semi-fluently.
What do you think of America?: still not a bad place to be.
What do you think of technology?: very necessary for my life
What do you think of domesticating snakes?: why not?
What do you think of fast food?: most of it is horrible. there are a few exceptions.
What do you think of friends?: I like mine. they will not be reading this.
What do you think of protests?: rock on.
What do you think of insects?: they're necessary
What do you think of chemically made fruits? (i.e. tangello): chemically made? what?

Compulsion attack. PLEASE don't click on it. It's very pathetic and long and boring and sad. Sometimes I start things and can't stop doing them. Demonstration of OCD, especially the compulsion part--the way you just have to do something till it exhausts you.

I am not sleepy in the slightest. I need to accept that there is no way that I am sleeping tonight and do something else. Unfortunately, I left all my movies at school and I can't download on this piece of shit.

Today was a good day.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 07:10:07 GMT

Reading through my old journal I come across this line:

"My life is like sex with a condom. It's fun, but there's a layer separating it from me. It might be a mint-flavored glow-in-the-dark funky cool condom, but still."

I was definitely an odd kiddo.

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 22:07:17 GMT

Rar. One paper and one final to go. Physics, Calc, Spanish = done.

Paper for Film.
Final for IP.

All I want to do is stand on my bed and dance with M and S. Or go to the Charles with C. and sit around and watch movies all night. Or even kick ice around with V. Instead, I'm reading about constructivism till I die.

There's still a bruise on my forehead from where C threw the block of ice at me. I can artfully cover it up with my hair but when I forget and push my hair back I look like I got beaten.

The best is that C. doesn't remember doing it, but I do. The next morning he asked me why I had a bruise on my forehead. I told him it was because of his violent tendencies and he thought he punched me in the forehead. He felt really awful for awhile until I told him he had done it by accident.

S scared the hell out of me last night though. I understand being stressed out but when you start throwing rocks at windows in fits of rage...goes a little too far. I think he's a lot of fun but I think I may end up being a little wary.

oh people you crack me up.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 23:22:32 GMT

You know when you fall asleep but you fall asleep so fast that you don't remember falling asleep? So it's just like one minute you're sitting there, the next minute you're opening your eyes and it's hours later?

That was what happened to me this afternoon, followed by temporal dislocation. I thought it was Saturday. Go me.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 10:51:47 GMT

I pulled an all-nighter to catch up on my work, except I finished all the things that I needed to get done pressingly between 4 o'clock when I started working and 4 a.m. this morning because one of my Spanish assignments is due next Friday, so I didn't finish it. It's mostly done, which is nice, though. I just have a little bit left but I have four hours until class, and it's only six questions on three pages of reading...so I'm taking a break. I don't HAVE to take a break, because I could easily start doing work on my LAS paper, but no. I need a break, desperately, for my mental health.

I don't want to go to sleep because then I won't wake up. I can't sleep now, anyway--too many coffees and teas and sodas and cigarette breaks. (My therapist has advised me not to quit my (incredibly light, by the way) smoking until after finals. A doctor told me to keep smoking. Unbelievable.) I only have two classes tomorrow, so I'll sleep then.

I miss Davy. I miss Jespah. I miss Ammie. I miss Joey and Kel and Callie and (yes, Ben, I miss you too.)

Shit. I just realized I was playing my music out loud instead of through my headphones. Fortunately Kate didn't wake up, or at least I didn't think so.

Last night I found Kate wandering around campus, drunk, lost in front of her own dorm. Very sad.

(Kate is my roommate.)

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 04:54:50 GMT

Drugs are bad.

Anyway. I've started seeing a therapist down here, who is convinced that I am self-medicating. I don't know what's wrong with me--well, I have OCD. She wants me to start anti-depressants, to help 'stop my self-destructive behavior.'. Maybe it's a good idea. College is bad because I can't say no. In other news, I want a cigarette and I'm resisting it but sometimes it's hard.

I hate my writing teacher. But I like her at the same time.

It's time to begin my life again. Stop hiding from everyone. I'm kind of a wreck. I need to start talking to people when I'm actually not high.

I had meningitis. I've since recovered, but I'm still in pain and haven't gone out in two weeks. I am going to go clean again. Go outside in a sweatshirt and jeans and no makeup or jewelry.

College is a trip, and not really in a good way.

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 02:57:16 GMT

Hey, I have a livejournal!

Hmm.

It's summer.

Summer is bonfires on the beach. Summer is standing by the bay and watching the random fireworks against the horizon. Summer is rolling in the sprinklers by the supermarket. Summer is doing shots of chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and peppermint schnapps and running in the shipyard and glasses of white wine with people you love.

I'm going to Europe soon. A seven hour layover in Portugal, and then Geneva, then a train to Germany, and then a plane to Italy, and then a ferry to Greece, and a ferry to Turkey, and then a plane to St. Petersburg, and then Belgium, and then home. Six weeks, then home, then college.

Eight hours to Portugal, seven hours in Portugal, and then another hour or so before we get to Geneva, just me and Ben. And then a wedding. I get to meet Ben's grandparents in St. Petersburg, and see my beloved Clara and Carmela in Italy, and meet Callie and Ammie's families. That first week in Geneva is in a hotel. My cousin is getting married. Ben and I have a room in a ritzy Geneva hotel, courtesy of my cousin. Ben is really excited for the week in Germany, as he is a double major in German and Rhetoric.

I've been sleeping at Ben's a lot. Not tonight, but sometimes, I do. Ben's room smells like his deodorant.

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 06:21:16 GMT

Oh, Ben.

Oh, Ben, is all I can say. It's the weirdest thing. Everyone always says he's so wrong for me. He's too rough, too hurting, too violent. He has too much anger in him, and he can't handle the panicky sort of person I really am.

He met me in D.C. for a little bit (since he's transferring to G.W.). And I don't know what I feel for him, really. Maybe it's just a being a teenager/hormonal thing, but when I first see him again, and he hugs me, something deep in the pit of my stomach clicks into place. Maybe it's just that I feel comfortable with him.

Stephan was the name of my first boyfriend. I was fourteen, he was sixteen, and it was one of those clumsy first-time relationships that ended because I got nervous and he got nervous and it was just better that way. Ben, I met during what Jespah and Callie refer to, titteringly, as my 'wild phase', and I realize now how ridiculously weird it was for someone my age to be tripping on what I was tripping on, but he took care of me, and didn't pressure me, but was nothing but encouraging when I decided to be straight edge.

Dear Ben, I think I may love you. It's 2 30 in the morning, and it's quite possible I'm delirious, and sad thinking about this.

Dear Davy, I will miss you terribly next year, and no one can ever replace you.

In other news, I am the straightest person to ever cross the Earth. Which is odd, because Ammie has always tried to get me interested in lesbian subcultural activities, and I've always tried to muster enthusiasm. But I'm just boring little straight Jaejae.

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 09:32:35 GMT

I'm like the worst livejournaller in the world.

I've been hanging out with KYAN. That's right, crazy Kyan, the blond Korean. She's very interesting. Both her parents are half-Swedish (and Swedish born), and half-Korean--her Korean grandparents look stereotypically Korean, her Swedish grandparents are shockingly blond, and there's one on each side. Somehow, she inherited the recessive hair-color gene from both of them and is naturally blond and pale. She doesn't look very Korean at all. But she speaks both Korean and Swedish, which is odd, but cool. Kyan's at University of Pennsylvania, so I don't see her much.

more to come.

here's the more: I've also been sick as hell, everyone got strep here and I was no exception of course. Awful awful awful stuff.

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 22:58:25 GMT

I love this snippet of this poem by Jeffery McDaniels:

I don't know how long

regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light

of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing

into each other's ears—as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate

Reminiscing in the drizzle of Portland, I notice
the ring that's landed on your finger, a massive
insect of glitter, a chandelier shining at the end

of a long tunnel. Thirteen years ago, you hid the hurt
in your voice under a blanket and said there's two kinds
of women—those you write poems about

and those you don't. It's true. I never brought you
a bouquet of sonnets, or served you haiku in bed.
My idea of courtship was tapping Jane's Addiction

lyrics in Morse code on your window at three A.M.,
whiskey doing push-ups on my breath. But I worked
within the confines of my character, cast

as the bad boy in your life, the Magellan
of your dark side. We don't have a past so much
as a bunch of electricity and liquor, power

never put to good use. What we had together
makes it sound like a virus, as if we caught
one another like colds, and desire was merely

a symptom that could be treated with soup
and lots of sex. Gliding beside you now,
I feel like the Benjamin Franklin of monogamy,

as if I invented it, but I'm still not immune
to your waterfall scent, still haven't developed
antibodies for your smile. I don't know how long

regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light

of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing

into each other's ears—as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate. I'm sorry all the kisses

I scrawled on your neck were written
in disappearing ink. Sometimes I thought of you
so hard one of your legs would pop out

of my ear hole, and when I was sleeping, you'd press
your face against the porthole of my submarine.
I'm sorry this poem has taken thirteen years

to reach you. I wish that just once, instead of skidding
off the shoulder blade's precipice and joyriding
over flesh, we'd put our hands away like chocolate

to be saved for later, and deciphered the calligraphy
of each other's eyelashes, translated a paragraph
from the volumes of what couldn't be said.
--Jeffery McDaniels

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 06:17:05 GMT

I just finished A Handmaid's Tale, , and I must say, a book has never terrified me so much. I don't know why, but I'm so scared right now, I don't know what to do.

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 01:29:12 GMT

A Story, by Me.

Once upon a time, I had a friend named Joey. Joey was a cool guy but he liked marijuana and alcohol a little too much. When I stopped partaking in all that, he stopped talking to me, because we had nothing to talk about. Now he is apparently not doing so well. I miss Joey. But Joey is not the same as he used to be, so even when I IM Joey, he does not seem like the same Joey.

Midterms next week. I have to write my Society midterm paper this week. Wah. There are only a few people in my Society class. They are: Sir Davar Firouz the Invincible (commonly referred to in this journal as Davy), Sophie, Eric, Erika, Dan, and me. They are writing their society papers too.

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 08:30:38 GMT

So tonight was a little strange...after a big long mess of who would drive out to Westbury to see Hotel Rwanda, we decided that Davy should do it. During dinner and after the movie Callie and Davy kept on being all quiet and giggly and going off on their own, I hope this works out for them, I really do, but I was with Max all night. And Max is a great guy, but MAN is he shy! He had no idea what to do with me! But eventually, he started talking to me, and we talked about politics, and class, and I don't know. Videogames. I cried during Hotel Rwanda. I was on the end, next to Davy, and it was so sweet, he kept on touching my hand during the saddest parts to make sure I was okay. Then we went to my house and they watched Amelie and I fucked around on my computer, and then Davy drove Max and Callie home and didn't go online till about an hour later, at which point, I was gone, so...

I did a very impulsive thing today. I had wanted Ben to come to the movie with us, but he didn't want to see it because he was depressed as it was and didn't want to see a depressing movie, and last night he was with his sister, and we had a little bit of a fight before I left. His away message was aimed at me when everyone left, and it was really depressing, and it was snowing out, and so I bundled up and walked to his house. (I left a note for my mother telling her I was at Jespah's, emergency. I'm such a bad daughter.) I was dragging my sled behind me too, and then knocked on his door, at one thirty in the morning, and smiled and said 'want to go sledding with me?" He was so happy, and it made me feel really good. We didn't go sledding though, because I was shivering pretty badly, and he decided I should at least warm up first, and one thing led to another, and now I'm on his computer, while he is making hot snacks for me, and I'm all yawny and thinking that sleeping here would definitely be best. Not to mention that it's fifteen degrees outside and sleeping with Benjy, who is nice and toasty and warm, is infinitely better than shivering by myself. And this way, we can go sledding in the morning.

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 06:51:54 GMT

Someone forgot to take her medicine tonight. (Behind the cut: evidence of my paralyzing O.C.D....until I took a sleeping pill to calm myself I couldn't even stop typing in this)

I think this sensation is a part of me. This feeling like I can barely sit still, so unsettled, so anxious, so everysinglehumanemotion racing frantically through me. I am doing that thing that I should not do where I do not go to the drug store and pick up my medicine and so I am out and so I am sitting in bed unable to sleep my neurotransmitters really misfiring and I'm hating this and wanting it to end and feeling more like myself then ever and I am typing at five hundred thirty two thousand words per minute and I wish that was true because if it was true entire novels and worlds would come out of me in minutes and it would be beautiful and wonderful. My hair is tightly pulled back from my face, of course, I'm biting the insides of my lips, I am full of weird contradictory urges, I am a mess of a girl who has severe obsessive-compulsive disorder like the kind that Orson Scott Mormon Card wrote about in his book about the aliens and the soul and the spirit and I've always wondered when I would be on my knees tracing woodgrains, but it just didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't seem right and cleansing and perfect for me, and I think I worried Davy because because because I told him my body was going through entropy and I did not think that was okay so I was going to stop it. But I don't think that's possible, unless I live in thermal equilibrium, in which it would be possible because because because because because my foot is jerking at ten thousand times per minute and I am sitting here in my natural state and I think I have convinced Davy why some people do need medicine because I can barely get through the night like this, and I think I decided that if I die I want to be electrocuted because it seems like a clean way to die, not after I mean but before it'd be clean it'd be nice it'd be so refreshing and I'm looking at the scars on my hands from when I poured boiling water on them and trying to shake myself out of this but it's oh so hard and it's oh so tempting and I need to write and do something incoherent that's okay because if I try to write in my paper journal I couldn't my hands are shaking just too badly maybe I should break my no-pills-but-prescription rule and take a Sominex because it'd probably calm me down a little...but maybe I'd never wake up but I just want to stop moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving and I just broke myself out compulsorily writing that word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and STOP IT JESSICA MARIA! Deep breaths, now, my heart is pounding, why did I do this, why do I do this, why do I hate myself so much that I do this, fuck it I am going to take a Sominex it's two a.m. I've been this way for hours and I'm going to hurt myself if I don't maybe I have Tourette's I feel like I can't stop writing in this I just want to stop but I have to keep typing because the typing is making my hands hurt which is good because they are shaking and they're not supposed to shake and when they shake I have to punish them. Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish OKAY I TOOK THE PILL IM DONE IM DONE I AM GOING TO STOP THIS.

Yeah...weird.

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 05:44:40 GMT

Me: I have to drink lots of soda/coffee/tea because I'm going to be up late tonight.
Me: Oh wait, I have less than I thought and can just do it tomorrow.

shit.

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 07:00:01 GMT

It's oh so cold today. I wish I lived in the jungle where it is always warm and nice.

For New Year's, I would want a silver hat
a bottle of champagne, and a box of fireworks
but I would take you above all that
will you dance with me at midnight
to welcome in the new year
and your eyes will shine pink in the neon light.
so my happiness is sealed another year?
(Benjy wrote that poem two years ago. I have never let him live it down)

Ammie is back from Belgium, but she is going to her exchange program in Africa soon. Dear Ammie, I love you, come see me.

I had a nice, calm New Year's. Me, Benjy, Davy and Ammie slept over, and I got a kiss from each of them on New Year's. Ben glared at Davy a lot, but Davy is the sweetest guy ever and he and I danced and he sang me songs in Persian and I sang songs in Italian, and then Benjy and Ammie danced and he sang a song in Russian and she sang a song in French.

And that was how we welcomed in the New Year's.

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 06:17:56 GMT

Last night it snowed. A lot, for Long Island--three inches. (it's A LOT for here!). I was driving when it first started to snow, and my car absolutely sucks, so I was skidding all over the place. Then, I got home and curled up on my couch for awhile, watching it snow.

At around midnight, Davy calls me and asks me if I want to go sledding. He picks me up, in his parents' SUV (his car, like mine, sucks in the snow), and it was just me and him, sledding. Then Jesspah called me. She's stuck in Colorado, because her plane was cancelled. =( Ammie also called me, from Belgium. She is having fun. She's staying with her grandparents, but is gonna be going to Amsterdam to stay with her aunt for awhile. Ammie + Amsterdam =....

Ben is in New Jersey for a few days, visiting his friend from Maine. He wants me to come out there with him, but I don't know. I think he's a little pissed at me because he wanted me to come.

Today was more Davy time. We gave each other our Christmas presents (he bought me an iTrip for my Ipod/car thingy, which actually works really nicely, to my surprise and a pretty blue and purple scarf. I got him the game Fable, and a cool track jacket) and we decided we did pretty well for people who are not Christian. His parents also gave me a present, the game Metal Gear Solid. I felt bad because I didn't buy them anything, but then I went to the mall with Davy and I bought them the Apprentice board game because they love that show, so I don't feel as bad. For Christmas, from my mother, I got a Nintendo DS, my father sent me a whole box full of skiing clothes. Benjy bought me an XBox, and I got him a really nice dressy watch from Kenneth Cole (I'm such a loser, I know) and a few of those shirts that I like him in. We went to the place in GN that I like for dinner and then played pool for awhile at the nice pool hall...then he ditched me for some girls who were eyeing him from the bar area...we then went to the movie theater and saw Closer. I thought it was a really nice movie, but Davy fell asleep.

Now I'm home and my feet are cold and I'm falling asleep.